The Thoughts of Rod Schmidt

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• A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
• Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
• How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
• I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
• I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
• I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.
• I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
• I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
• I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... boy, were they mad!
• I had amnesia once or twice.
• I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
• I had my coathangers spayed.
• I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
• I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".
• I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
• I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
• I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.
• I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
• I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
• I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
• I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
• I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
• I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
• I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
• I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
• I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
• I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
• I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
• I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
• I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
• If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
• If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
• If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
• If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
• In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
• Is "tired old cliche" one?
• It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
• Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
• My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
• My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
• My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
• Smoking cures weight problems... eventually...
• The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
• The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
• The sky already fell. Now what?
• The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.
• The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
• There aren't enough days in the weekend.
• Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
• When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
• Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts.
• Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
• Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
• You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
• You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.